Turns out blogger is a simple program that doesn't quite offer me the options I am looking for anymore. Which is a shame. I really wanted to just come back in and reset up shop. This has me considering what other methods of communications I should embrace in this Mamaskylark Reboot. Come what may.
Friday, November 26, 2021
Monday, November 8, 2021
The Quiet Return of the Lark
It was another one of those times. The ones filled with dread and anxiety. The ones in which your inner voice relentlessly tells you "Steel yourself. You knew that most likely you would be here one day. Steel yourself. No matter how it went down, this isn't going to be pretty and you will still feel shock. After that there are the formalities that will need to be handled. You've mentally walked through them a dozen times over the years..but the reality may be hard to contend with... Steel yourself. And after the formalities you need to be strong so others can be weak. Steel yourself. You will be needed. Steel yourself."
A wave of relief crashes in as the door to the bedroom opens without resistance. She hasn't tied the vacuum cord to the door knob nor around her throat. Her body is not blocking the door. That doesn't mean that the room wont contain another gruesome sight. But at least the most likely scenario has not been played out and shoulders loosen a bit. You look at the body curled under blankets on the bed. You watch for the rise and fall of breathing. Your ears strain in the quiet to hear.. something .. anything.. that would indicate that she was merely asleep. Inching closer to the bed there signs are not detectable. "Steel yourself." Quietly and gently you begin to say her name in a attempt to wake her up. She stirs. SHE STIRS!
Another wave of relief, this time coupled with gratitude, breaks. You back out of the room as tears begin to touch your cheek. Its time for a good cry to purge some of the sorrow and stress that comes with supporting a individual with metal illness, To purge your momentary fears, To purge the anxiety.
==================================================
That was how my Saturday began.
She would wake up a few hours later. There was a friends baby shower to attend. She couldn't interact with me. Withdrawn. A shudder of repulsion when I asked if she wanted a hug. 20 minutes later she phones. There was a car accident. She is understandably shaken up and the little bit of information I get suggests that she is at fault, the car is really damaged and she doesn't know if she can drive it and that she is stressed. I give her the best brief pep talk I can and I let her go. She has police and insurance to deal with. Its not a far stretch to suspect that she had disassociated at the wheel causing the accident. Its also not a far cry to think it might have been on purpose. I pace the room, staying calm but none the less worried as I get dad on the line. Hes about an hour away and just about wrapping up his job and heading home. He can beeline it towards her location. I text her asking for the location and she messages back that the car is fine to drive, she is okay and will be heading to the party after all. I say a prayer and let her go on her way then reach out to dad ask him to pick up some caffeine for me on the way home. .
This day is a little more fraught with distress than most. But it is not unusual. Our daughter's moods are erratic, and each day brings with it a great many challenges. I am not one to usually discuss this part of my life. On the surface and periphery of my existence, these things are hidden behind smiles and glimpse of nature and my carefully framed surroundings. Its my way of highlighting what beauty can be found in a psychological warzone. Its my way of contending with and of beating back the sadness that sits constantly and heavily on my heart. As the saying goes "Its always darkest at the base of a lighthouse."
But there is another reason that much of the time these things remain quiet. She feels violated when I mention how things are to anyone. To tell her that my mom, her grandma. is sending her extra love while she is in the hospital, is enough to make her hate me and to feel betrayed that I told someone about her. Even if that someone is a person who loves her and would do anything for her. Even if it is her Grandma. And since taking care of her and navigating her ups and downs encompass the totality of my life... well... there is not much else to write or talk about without stepping on delicate toes.
And so I have grown increasingly silent in my communications. All communications. My world is small. Its been C19 Lock-down SMALL for years. Truth be told, during the restrictions, I never even noticed a change in my life. Outside of starting up the business with Greg and eventually closing it down. Which is whole another story for another time.
Now that some of that unde3rstanding is out of the way and returning to the story of Saturday, What was it that made me instinctually expect the worst? Her sleep cycle was off. Asleep by 6 and awake at midnight. In the morning she was in a high energy state as she entered into her day of therapy. Afterward, she was dragging. Dagger eyes and unable to speak. This is a worrisome state but it was later that it dawned on me that I had had a long overdue debrief with my favorite cousin and that he may have reached out to her in concern. Oh Shit! Did I set one of her many triggers in motion?
We are now successfully past that moment and new medications appear to be making a positive difference in her overall functioning. As I reflect on the whole of it, I realize just how good it was for me personally to have that conversation with my cousin. It was healthy for me to discuss my life. I understand my daughters position, but I NEED my own outlet. Dealing with her is stressful and I need to be able to speak to that...or anything I damn well please.
And so I am returning here to my first blog. I am setting it up so that only those with the link may see it and that way I can share more of my life with those outside of my home that are important to me (That's you!) and whom upon request won't turn around and speak of these things to her.
Welcome to the return of my voice. Settle in and add your email address to the form on this page. Then my updates will be sent directly to your email.
Much Love!
Thursday, January 9, 2020
Catching Air
Here it is. A new beginning. The start of a New Year. And with it the end of so much as well. Last year was oddly hard and filled with a lot of unexpected challenges. Of course we managed. We are hearty, adaptable and steadfast individuals, but I am glad the "lessons" are over. (Oh Lordy how but some of those "lessons" can be so hard they be like punishments!). Regardless, those that have presented themselves have been learned and finally left behind. And while these statements are clearly applicable to this last year, it MORE than applies to the last decade. And so, It is with gratitude, humility and grace that I say goodbye to the past... and EMBRACE THE FUTURE!!
The Germans have a phrase for the transition into the new year. I don't recall the actual words but it speaks to a month long celebration of "Sliding into the New Year" and boy are we doing that.
Weeeeeeee
Hands in the air like you just don't care.
Only, right now, rather than speaking to a purely metaphorical transition, I am experiencing literal butterflies as we drop from the heights with hopes of a happy landing. But hopes without action don't get you anywhere and I have reached a crossroads where I need to redirect my energies. Long story short, the collection of writings here represent the past. My past is not my future. My future trajectory is changing and I need to evolve with it. So ... please join me at my new blog at https://www.releasevalve.net/ where I will chronicle our New Adventures!
P.S.There is a sign up on that site, as well, to receive updates via email.
P.S.P.S. One last thing before I go. Thank you for having been a loyal reader here. This is the main way I communicate to everyone from my mother.. to my dearest friends .. and to my neighbors. Having your presence on the other side of the screen has been heartwarming and a great support to me through thick and thin. I send love to you all and hope that this year is as grand as possible.
The Germans have a phrase for the transition into the new year. I don't recall the actual words but it speaks to a month long celebration of "Sliding into the New Year" and boy are we doing that.
Weeeeeeee
Hands in the air like you just don't care.
Only, right now, rather than speaking to a purely metaphorical transition, I am experiencing literal butterflies as we drop from the heights with hopes of a happy landing. But hopes without action don't get you anywhere and I have reached a crossroads where I need to redirect my energies. Long story short, the collection of writings here represent the past. My past is not my future. My future trajectory is changing and I need to evolve with it. So ... please join me at my new blog at https://www.releasevalve.net/ where I will chronicle our New Adventures!
P.S.There is a sign up on that site, as well, to receive updates via email.
P.S.P.S. One last thing before I go. Thank you for having been a loyal reader here. This is the main way I communicate to everyone from my mother.. to my dearest friends .. and to my neighbors. Having your presence on the other side of the screen has been heartwarming and a great support to me through thick and thin. I send love to you all and hope that this year is as grand as possible.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
Long Winding River
Whenever I sit down to the keyboard after a long hiatus, I am usually filled with a kind of dread. So much history to capture since I last wrote. I want to convey it all, down to the little details, which I can't possibly remember let alone capture, so then I stumble over what is important enough to write about. Where even to start? Where did I leave off?
I could sit for hours trying to figure out my start, but I've returned to the board enough times to know that I really just need to jump in here and now and let the tale weave itself.
Its the eve of December. Where has the year gone? It has flown by and equally it has crawled along amid varying waves of challenging situations and new experiences. We have weathered all that has transpired quite well and with our health very much intact. What a huge blessing.. to have your health.
Speaking of health, my business has not yet taken off. As time effects the path of the river, so has it effected the course of my business creation. I had big dreams at the beginning of the year which got rather sidelined with the shattering of my wrist and the demands of home. Despite that, I did manage to obtain my Integrative Nutritional Health Coaching Certificate, as well as, get certified as an International Health Coach. My wrist is now fully healed (hooray!) and so my attention is turning back towards building the Here To There Health and Wellness Center. But it is turning back with the inclusion of new circumstances (primarily the fact that Greg was laid off on November 2nd) and I (well really at this point it is "We") have yet to determine how this will effect its development.
Does Greg return to the corporate life? If so, that means, he lives away... at least until Connor finishes up school and heads off into his life. Frankly that really isn't an option that we want to consider unless we have to. We have done the "moving for the job" thing. We've had lots of the "strike out on your own for an adventure" experience. We've endured months upon months apart for career/security. Is that the life we want to continue to live? Not really.
So that means something closer to home.. a step back in industry but ideally to a level that suits his desire to nurture individuals career growth...because ultimately that is when he personally thrived. Finding the right fit locally might be a bit of a challenge although opportunities are around. Plus I am now able bodied...my wrist has healed enough for me to return to lifting... And obviously typing... So I am capable and willing to fill in any wage gap through traditional means.
This idea feels quite comfortable. That is other than taking on the challenge of finding the right opportunities. Which, if we set our sails that way, I know they will readily present themselves.
Or.... We can step completely off the conventional path and forage our own way together. We have been brainstorming the possibility of diverging into "something new" for a long time. And while we were setting our alarm for a year and a half off for such a drastic shift to happen, the universe made a time correction, because the wake up call came early... but not so early that we were unprepared. However, now our period of brainstorming has been greatly ramped up. In October, we began playing with the idea of opening a "Smash House" which is essentially a place that provides a physical outlet for stress, anxiety and anger.
My original intention of the Here to There Health and Wellness Center was very nutrition centered. But Life threw me curve balls all year and so it really has not taken much form. Ultimately, it can become something different and more broadly health based and ultimately a smash house could prove therapeutic..not to mention entertaining.. It could be re-branding time.
We have given ourselves until January to decide our way.. whatever that is.
Speaking of January, Willow is headed West to stay with my Auntie for a while. Her world has been small for a long time (out of necessity) but she is now ready to stretch her wings a little bit where she has a vast safety net of friends and family to support her growth and movement towards independence. She is returning somewhere she has called home and where she will be loved, cared for, and molded in just the right measures. God Bless my Auntie heart!
Meanwhile, Connor has finished drivers ed. He is still working on his confidence and will aim to take the actual test in the Spring. Being on the student council he recently got to attend a Skills USA leadership conference which he really enjoyed. He is beginning to deepen his relationship with classmates outside of class and is becoming quite the young man. He is taking a class at the community college as well. It is a pass fail course which is in his favor as he learns the level of organization that college requires to be successful.
It is 1 am as I write these final words and my eyes are drooping. It is time to turn in. Hopefully, I don't wait so long to catch up again!
I could sit for hours trying to figure out my start, but I've returned to the board enough times to know that I really just need to jump in here and now and let the tale weave itself.
Its the eve of December. Where has the year gone? It has flown by and equally it has crawled along amid varying waves of challenging situations and new experiences. We have weathered all that has transpired quite well and with our health very much intact. What a huge blessing.. to have your health.
Speaking of health, my business has not yet taken off. As time effects the path of the river, so has it effected the course of my business creation. I had big dreams at the beginning of the year which got rather sidelined with the shattering of my wrist and the demands of home. Despite that, I did manage to obtain my Integrative Nutritional Health Coaching Certificate, as well as, get certified as an International Health Coach. My wrist is now fully healed (hooray!) and so my attention is turning back towards building the Here To There Health and Wellness Center. But it is turning back with the inclusion of new circumstances (primarily the fact that Greg was laid off on November 2nd) and I (well really at this point it is "We") have yet to determine how this will effect its development.
Does Greg return to the corporate life? If so, that means, he lives away... at least until Connor finishes up school and heads off into his life. Frankly that really isn't an option that we want to consider unless we have to. We have done the "moving for the job" thing. We've had lots of the "strike out on your own for an adventure" experience. We've endured months upon months apart for career/security. Is that the life we want to continue to live? Not really.
So that means something closer to home.. a step back in industry but ideally to a level that suits his desire to nurture individuals career growth...because ultimately that is when he personally thrived. Finding the right fit locally might be a bit of a challenge although opportunities are around. Plus I am now able bodied...my wrist has healed enough for me to return to lifting... And obviously typing... So I am capable and willing to fill in any wage gap through traditional means.
This idea feels quite comfortable. That is other than taking on the challenge of finding the right opportunities. Which, if we set our sails that way, I know they will readily present themselves.
Or.... We can step completely off the conventional path and forage our own way together. We have been brainstorming the possibility of diverging into "something new" for a long time. And while we were setting our alarm for a year and a half off for such a drastic shift to happen, the universe made a time correction, because the wake up call came early... but not so early that we were unprepared. However, now our period of brainstorming has been greatly ramped up. In October, we began playing with the idea of opening a "Smash House" which is essentially a place that provides a physical outlet for stress, anxiety and anger.
My original intention of the Here to There Health and Wellness Center was very nutrition centered. But Life threw me curve balls all year and so it really has not taken much form. Ultimately, it can become something different and more broadly health based and ultimately a smash house could prove therapeutic..not to mention entertaining.. It could be re-branding time.
We have given ourselves until January to decide our way.. whatever that is.
Speaking of January, Willow is headed West to stay with my Auntie for a while. Her world has been small for a long time (out of necessity) but she is now ready to stretch her wings a little bit where she has a vast safety net of friends and family to support her growth and movement towards independence. She is returning somewhere she has called home and where she will be loved, cared for, and molded in just the right measures. God Bless my Auntie heart!
Meanwhile, Connor has finished drivers ed. He is still working on his confidence and will aim to take the actual test in the Spring. Being on the student council he recently got to attend a Skills USA leadership conference which he really enjoyed. He is beginning to deepen his relationship with classmates outside of class and is becoming quite the young man. He is taking a class at the community college as well. It is a pass fail course which is in his favor as he learns the level of organization that college requires to be successful.
It is 1 am as I write these final words and my eyes are drooping. It is time to turn in. Hopefully, I don't wait so long to catch up again!
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
Infused With Love
Hello All!
Holy Cow! Where did summer go?? To be honest, summer isn't really gone but compared to the big open sky and long hot days of the High Sierra Desert, the mildness and shortened season of the New England summer seems sleepy and cool. Already it is time to close the pool. Leaves are falling in the neighbors yard and my garden works to produce the last of the Fall Harvest consisting mostly of Brussels sprouts, leaks and butternut squash... not to mention the freaking monster cucumber plant. It was a surprise to find out that cucumbers are actually spiky fruits. I suspect we have about a month before the first frost.
Anyway.. despite its seemingly swift transition to fall, summer (August in particular) was chalk full of adventure and enjoyment. (Pictures to accompany this post can be found here as there are just to many to cut and paste.)
First, Greg and I went up to Montreal to see Iron Maiden. The last arena rock show, we attended was Before Kids when we won tickets on a party bus in Phoenix to go see Megadeth...1998. Now the bands of that era are gentrifying so I really don't expect to ever see another arena rock concert but after that absolutely amazing show, I don't need to. I've seen the best.
As for Montreal.. it is a beautiful busy city on par with San Francisco. It has a very impressive bridge which is called Pont Champlain. The city is divided into different districts. There is a banking district, a china town, piers and a gay town. It is strongly pedestrian and bicycler oriented and sports the the old world charm of very narrow streets. In other words, driving is insane and added to that, the rules of the road are not the same. For instance, right hand turns require a light meaning you can't turn right without a light even if it is clear to do so. A basic knowledge of french and or the metric system are helpful. There are a couple of reasons that I highly recommend visiting Montreal over San Fran but the biggest is that Montreal isn't a cesspool and you wont be trecking through human feces.
A few weeks later, I left the family behind to soak up some sun and get in quality time with my western roots. This was an important trip for a number of reasons. My grandparents are 90 now and their time on earth is dwindling. Spending quality time with them was really my main objective. Grandma is in better health than she was a few months ago but when having a one on one conversation it becomes obvious that her stream of consciousness is far from linear as she jumps from topic to topic and back again. Grandpa's mind and body are as well as can be. He likes his whisky though. He likes it A LOT .. a 5th lasts him 2 days. For someone who never really drank, it is significant. But he is very conscious of not drinking until he does whatever driving, appointments or errands he has to get done. So that is a positive.
Other than seeing the grandparents, I also got in super visits with a number of dear old friends who happened to converge with me. Elaine was visiting from Japan, Nell and David were in vising in Oregon and timed in a stop on their way home in Alameda. Sidney, Melissa and Terri are all educators and the first week back to school is always a doozy but that didn't stop them (or their families) from joining in the various activities. I love these people. No matter where life takes us, we always pick right back up. They are very dear and I feel blessed to have them in my life even when time and distance puts them on the back burner. Sidney commemorated the event by gifting us wool socks that she had knitted. I will cherish them!
I also took a brief dip in spiritual waters while visiting with the McNallans, Lisa and Megs. How wonderful to reconnect with these individuals who where instrumental in helping me connect to the wellspring of ancestral knowledge and understanding.
I joined the cousins for dinner and a movie. We watched the classic "Flight of the Navigator" The little ones have a huge selection of movies but this was not one they had seen before.
I drove to Bishop and converged with a couple of old neighbors, Matt and Kathleen. They now live in San Diego and were returning home from three weeks in Ogden UT where they were attending to Kathleens mom who had broke her back and then had a stroke. Despite the ordeal, they were in good spirits and brought me the joy of their smiles.
Since I was down there, I planned to take a few moments to myself and spend the night camping, looking at the stars and decompressing. We all need time alone sometimes. It is important to our self care. My plans didn't work out as anticipated. I didn't stay the night because my gear wasn't quite adequate for the conditions, but I did get as much out of the break as I could and conducted a mini sweat lodge which was easy given the 95 degree temps.
During the trip I also dropped in on a few other friends that I wanted to give some appreciation too. A brief visit with Denise who was fighting Pneumonia. A stop in at work to give Heather E. a big hug. She has had a very troubled adulthood but has turned it around and is doing really well now. It did my heart good to see her. I stopped by the Pitts to with them happy birthdays but missed them. I also missed Dan Oster but got to see the golf and rec center he is developing. And lastly I got in a decent visit with Vince. He may not have a mullet anymore but his heart is the same. He carries his hardships with a smile and a laugh and is a rockstar in my book.
And before too long it was time for me to return home with far more luggage than I arrived with. My Dunkle gifted my with display of my Grandfathers WWII medals and a walking stick he had hand carved/created for my Uncle Don. Don was my godfather as well. They were both very special gifts. And my mom gifted me with health related books written in the late 1800's. I had always wanted them! In addition, she restrung my amber necklace and totally spruced it up. Then she scavenged through her closet and gave me a bunch of dresses. And Sidney gifted me with a pair of beautiful wool knitted socks.
It took a whole week to recuperate when I got home. It was mostly jet lag. Because I ate right the whole time, I went home tired but not falling apart as I typically have after such an adventure. It was a very full and satisfying trip.
Now on to the next adventures!
Holy Cow! Where did summer go?? To be honest, summer isn't really gone but compared to the big open sky and long hot days of the High Sierra Desert, the mildness and shortened season of the New England summer seems sleepy and cool. Already it is time to close the pool. Leaves are falling in the neighbors yard and my garden works to produce the last of the Fall Harvest consisting mostly of Brussels sprouts, leaks and butternut squash... not to mention the freaking monster cucumber plant. It was a surprise to find out that cucumbers are actually spiky fruits. I suspect we have about a month before the first frost.
Anyway.. despite its seemingly swift transition to fall, summer (August in particular) was chalk full of adventure and enjoyment. (Pictures to accompany this post can be found here as there are just to many to cut and paste.)
First, Greg and I went up to Montreal to see Iron Maiden. The last arena rock show, we attended was Before Kids when we won tickets on a party bus in Phoenix to go see Megadeth...1998. Now the bands of that era are gentrifying so I really don't expect to ever see another arena rock concert but after that absolutely amazing show, I don't need to. I've seen the best.
As for Montreal.. it is a beautiful busy city on par with San Francisco. It has a very impressive bridge which is called Pont Champlain. The city is divided into different districts. There is a banking district, a china town, piers and a gay town. It is strongly pedestrian and bicycler oriented and sports the the old world charm of very narrow streets. In other words, driving is insane and added to that, the rules of the road are not the same. For instance, right hand turns require a light meaning you can't turn right without a light even if it is clear to do so. A basic knowledge of french and or the metric system are helpful. There are a couple of reasons that I highly recommend visiting Montreal over San Fran but the biggest is that Montreal isn't a cesspool and you wont be trecking through human feces.
A few weeks later, I left the family behind to soak up some sun and get in quality time with my western roots. This was an important trip for a number of reasons. My grandparents are 90 now and their time on earth is dwindling. Spending quality time with them was really my main objective. Grandma is in better health than she was a few months ago but when having a one on one conversation it becomes obvious that her stream of consciousness is far from linear as she jumps from topic to topic and back again. Grandpa's mind and body are as well as can be. He likes his whisky though. He likes it A LOT .. a 5th lasts him 2 days. For someone who never really drank, it is significant. But he is very conscious of not drinking until he does whatever driving, appointments or errands he has to get done. So that is a positive.
Other than seeing the grandparents, I also got in super visits with a number of dear old friends who happened to converge with me. Elaine was visiting from Japan, Nell and David were in vising in Oregon and timed in a stop on their way home in Alameda. Sidney, Melissa and Terri are all educators and the first week back to school is always a doozy but that didn't stop them (or their families) from joining in the various activities. I love these people. No matter where life takes us, we always pick right back up. They are very dear and I feel blessed to have them in my life even when time and distance puts them on the back burner. Sidney commemorated the event by gifting us wool socks that she had knitted. I will cherish them!
I also took a brief dip in spiritual waters while visiting with the McNallans, Lisa and Megs. How wonderful to reconnect with these individuals who where instrumental in helping me connect to the wellspring of ancestral knowledge and understanding.
I joined the cousins for dinner and a movie. We watched the classic "Flight of the Navigator" The little ones have a huge selection of movies but this was not one they had seen before.
I drove to Bishop and converged with a couple of old neighbors, Matt and Kathleen. They now live in San Diego and were returning home from three weeks in Ogden UT where they were attending to Kathleens mom who had broke her back and then had a stroke. Despite the ordeal, they were in good spirits and brought me the joy of their smiles.
Since I was down there, I planned to take a few moments to myself and spend the night camping, looking at the stars and decompressing. We all need time alone sometimes. It is important to our self care. My plans didn't work out as anticipated. I didn't stay the night because my gear wasn't quite adequate for the conditions, but I did get as much out of the break as I could and conducted a mini sweat lodge which was easy given the 95 degree temps.
During the trip I also dropped in on a few other friends that I wanted to give some appreciation too. A brief visit with Denise who was fighting Pneumonia. A stop in at work to give Heather E. a big hug. She has had a very troubled adulthood but has turned it around and is doing really well now. It did my heart good to see her. I stopped by the Pitts to with them happy birthdays but missed them. I also missed Dan Oster but got to see the golf and rec center he is developing. And lastly I got in a decent visit with Vince. He may not have a mullet anymore but his heart is the same. He carries his hardships with a smile and a laugh and is a rockstar in my book.
And before too long it was time for me to return home with far more luggage than I arrived with. My Dunkle gifted my with display of my Grandfathers WWII medals and a walking stick he had hand carved/created for my Uncle Don. Don was my godfather as well. They were both very special gifts. And my mom gifted me with health related books written in the late 1800's. I had always wanted them! In addition, she restrung my amber necklace and totally spruced it up. Then she scavenged through her closet and gave me a bunch of dresses. And Sidney gifted me with a pair of beautiful wool knitted socks.
It took a whole week to recuperate when I got home. It was mostly jet lag. Because I ate right the whole time, I went home tired but not falling apart as I typically have after such an adventure. It was a very full and satisfying trip.
Now on to the next adventures!
Thursday, June 20, 2019
"Springing" into action
Has it really been that long? The last time I posted here was in October? It feels more like a blink than 3/4 of a year and yet so much has been processed, moved through and achieved. Whew! It is nice to finally sit down and exhale a bit.
As I start writing it is 8 am, 69 degrees and overcast with a big drench headed our way. Its a perfect day to dedicate to some serious keyboard time. Plus.. I no longer have to worry much about any interruptions that require me to drive someone somewhere.
That right, my daughter finally has her wheels on the ground. All 4 of them. Peaceful, radiant, grounded and ready to start expanding. Im not just talking about her having her drivers licence either. Her short life has been spent fighting some serious ills. Autoimmune issues have crippled her and primarily attacked her ankles. She now has the tools to repress that. A year on her feet now and only one little flare when she ate a tomato. How huge it is to be mobile. But those terrible early years have effected her stride and carriage. I don't expect she will ever be a runner but Lord how good it is to see her moving and dancing. She has kind of put down the pole. I may have been judged by some for buying my daughter a stripper pole but it was therapeutic and allowed for her to support her ankles and develop upper body strength. An interesting aspect of both mine and Willows arthritis has been a developmental tendency to walk on our toes, thus feeding into how we carry ourselves. Anyway, shes moving on but the pole remains up for any of us wanting to take an occasional whirl. That of course has not been me lately but more on my wrist later.
As if that has not been enough for her to contend with growing up, around jr. high she also started to display signs of what we only recently had diagnosed as the more extreme version of bipolar. It was not an easy thing for her (or any of us ) to contend with but she has made it through the worst and now, with the right supports in place, she is experiencing a previously unknown sense of peace.
And Im experiencing tears of relief.
My wrist is healing well. a plate, 8 screws and a pin all told. What an interesting process. I know that having this injury has sucked but it has also been fascinating. On so many levels.
1. Just the physical process...How the body (and in particular the autoimmune system) responds to a physical trauma. I knew I was no danger so I kept myself very calm and managed the pain very well and just observed what my body was doing. Tylenol is amazing for certain pains.
2. I was running backwards when it happened. And metaphorically this applied to the place I was at in regards to business development. I was working really fast towards an outcome I had not yet fully visualized. It took falling down to turn my perspective around. I needed to slow down and work things backwards. All of that is coming along but more about that in a minute.
3. Bone Doctors are the wood workers of the medical field.
4. The pain of a broken bone is less painful than the pain of arthritis. This has been a humbling realization. And has given me a reference to understand the size and density of what I've had to packed around on my back.
So rather than make this already long story any longer.. Im going to wrap up this topic and just say... Ive unpacked a lot, learned a lot, processed a lot, released a lot, and am now ready to turn my attention to moving forward at a reasonable pace towards a goal that looms close.
Now.. hehe.. to talk about the fun stuff.
Where to start? There are two parts to the equation that need separate types of attention and development. The first is "Here to There".. the business itself. What is the outcome I want to strive towards? How do I support that with my steps now? And then there is the development of me as a coach and my programs. I had a hard time separating out the two initially. Now that I have, the processes have become clearer and simpler to contend with.
So just some quick notes first... Sept 20 is the Here To There official opening. Sept 21 starts my first sessions. H2T will start as a membership based center. At the heart of our service lies the idea that "A persons journey to health and wellness begins first and foremost at home and around the kitchen table." As such, we will start by offering lifetime (For the duration of the business) memberships with enrollment in a three month " combative cooking" course. The current benefits to be received with this special membership is access to the centers physical resources (Art, sewing, reading/ meditation space, etc) during posted hours. Membership also entitles participants with deep discounts. We are starting out small and running things out of the home but the plan is to eventually have an actual center where we will host healing retreats and special events (Offering yurts and rooms) in addition to providing nutritional emotional and other forms of service. I also expect we will build in a hiking trail and maybe a disc golf course. I also envision it as being self sustaining (Or as close as possible) with a few bison or water buffalo, goats, pigs and large garden. Plus just having all the benefits of Vermont at our disposal. I plan to create a heaven on earth.
At the end of July I am sitting for an the International Health Coach Certification. I am working on my programs and getting the center set up. I have quite a bit of studing to do. And a lot of other things.. best I wrap this up an get going.
I had been thinking that I needed to leave this blog space for good as I moved forward with my new incarnation as Coach V. However, after a false start and with a clearer perspective, I have decided that I am not moving from here. "Coach V" is here as a result of who I have been. This blog has offered me an outlet though all the hard times..not to bitch.. doing so would be counter productive.. but to celebrate the joy and beauty (and sometimes absolute weirdness) It has been my coping mechanism through it all ,as well as being a tool for me to share these moments with far flung family and friends. However, I will be going through and archiving some of the posts before turning up the volume here. I may adjust the name a little as well.
Time to get some loose ends tied together. Time to grind. But before I go.. Spring hasn't been all bad. It has also been quite beautiful! Here are some photos!
Monday, October 8, 2018
Multitasking like a Mad(Wo)Man
At my desk, fingers clicking relentlessly at the keys of a laptop which sits directly in front of me. A piece
of paper and pencil sit to the right ready to capture any notes I might need to take from the videos that
stream off the laptop that sits to my left. This is going to become the norm in the coming months. Every
spare moment committed to my desk.. to the future. But I will get to what that looks like momentarily.
45 in the Rearview
My life has been an adventure. I can’t begin to believe all the things I have done and seen and experienced. Highs and Lows alike. It has been amazing. It has been challenging. Holy Cow! And here I am only half way done. Assuming I live to 90 and based on genetics it seems highly likely. And I am ready to take the
future on.
Two years ago .. I could not say the same. Since we returned to the states, many have noticed that I have sort of disappeared from social networking and from connecting regularly with family. Being on the move like we have been, the computer has been my lifeline and some have found my disappearance
concerning. But the truth is that my attention has been uber focused at home; At getting us moved; At getting us settled; And most importantly at getting us healthy. Moving is hard and the level and extent to which we have moved in the last 20 years (every 2 to 4 years and the distances… egads!) had taken a
toll on all of us. And especially so on my daughter and I, whom have unfortunately inherited arthritic conditions (Only recently diagnosed) which have made our journeys all that more painful and difficult.
T
he process of getting from here to there has been enlightening. It has given me great insight into how the medical system operates; it’s limitations and its miracles. It also illuminated how the different specialties and services work to try and support one another. And I also became acquainted with some
of the shortcomings of the system. It has been its own education and journey.
45 and Beyond
I am relishing a rather pain free existence these days. It is a different place to be in. One that has opened up the possibility of me returning to the work force. In the last few months, I have been in deep contemplation of my direction and my course… putting my intention to return out there and feeling out
the suggestions the universe throws back at me. In doing so, I have stumbled upon my fate. A direction that I can utilize my Psyc. Degree. That I can work independently at. That I can draw from my wide ranging and diverse experiences. That I can assist and grow others. That actually embodies all that I am and draws together all my tangent interests. I have found my career bearings. I am in enrolled in the Institute of Integrated Learning for a certificate as a Health Coach. Ill be certified in June. This certificate will count as 90 credits towards my masters at SUNY if I decide to do that later. (Although at this point I
can’t imagine that I will.) In the background I have begun developing my business plan. I have determined my business name. I have purchased that website domain. I have begun building my business website. And the list goes on. Soon all of that will emerge in a visible format. Not yet but the
clock is ticking.
First.. Breath. Breath. Breath. Type Type Type… Drive Drive Drive… Run Run Run…Drive Drive Drive…Repeat
Much love to you all! I will see you on the other side. Im climbing a rather large mountain but the sites are going to be outstanding.
of paper and pencil sit to the right ready to capture any notes I might need to take from the videos that
stream off the laptop that sits to my left. This is going to become the norm in the coming months. Every
spare moment committed to my desk.. to the future. But I will get to what that looks like momentarily.
45 in the Rearview
My life has been an adventure. I can’t begin to believe all the things I have done and seen and experienced. Highs and Lows alike. It has been amazing. It has been challenging. Holy Cow! And here I am only half way done. Assuming I live to 90 and based on genetics it seems highly likely. And I am ready to take the
future on.
Two years ago .. I could not say the same. Since we returned to the states, many have noticed that I have sort of disappeared from social networking and from connecting regularly with family. Being on the move like we have been, the computer has been my lifeline and some have found my disappearance
concerning. But the truth is that my attention has been uber focused at home; At getting us moved; At getting us settled; And most importantly at getting us healthy. Moving is hard and the level and extent to which we have moved in the last 20 years (every 2 to 4 years and the distances… egads!) had taken a
toll on all of us. And especially so on my daughter and I, whom have unfortunately inherited arthritic conditions (Only recently diagnosed) which have made our journeys all that more painful and difficult.
T
he process of getting from here to there has been enlightening. It has given me great insight into how the medical system operates; it’s limitations and its miracles. It also illuminated how the different specialties and services work to try and support one another. And I also became acquainted with some
of the shortcomings of the system. It has been its own education and journey.
45 and Beyond
I am relishing a rather pain free existence these days. It is a different place to be in. One that has opened up the possibility of me returning to the work force. In the last few months, I have been in deep contemplation of my direction and my course… putting my intention to return out there and feeling out
the suggestions the universe throws back at me. In doing so, I have stumbled upon my fate. A direction that I can utilize my Psyc. Degree. That I can work independently at. That I can draw from my wide ranging and diverse experiences. That I can assist and grow others. That actually embodies all that I am and draws together all my tangent interests. I have found my career bearings. I am in enrolled in the Institute of Integrated Learning for a certificate as a Health Coach. Ill be certified in June. This certificate will count as 90 credits towards my masters at SUNY if I decide to do that later. (Although at this point I
can’t imagine that I will.) In the background I have begun developing my business plan. I have determined my business name. I have purchased that website domain. I have begun building my business website. And the list goes on. Soon all of that will emerge in a visible format. Not yet but the
clock is ticking.
First.. Breath. Breath. Breath. Type Type Type… Drive Drive Drive… Run Run Run…Drive Drive Drive…Repeat
Much love to you all! I will see you on the other side. Im climbing a rather large mountain but the sites are going to be outstanding.
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